a time in my life

-where I'm pulling away from the church as my moral authority (and women too, in fact...) and therefore have to establish God as my moral authority.. -or myself, but I'm not raised to be humanistic.

christmas wishes!

I'm always hesitant to post at too high a pace as a new post somewhat nullifies the prior.. -which defeats the purpose of a blog.

However, I have found the time to record my wishlist for Christmas:

1. Mobile phone! Preferably Nokia w. Bluetooth and FM (mp3 don't hurt, no! ;)
2. The Jean Paul Gautier perfume (flaske shaped like a body in green glass)
3. CD: "Michael Jackson - the Ultimate Collection." -my goodness he was phunkee back before his op's!
4. King James Bible (not 'The New...') Dark leather bind if possible.
5. Jeans! Loose leg but not gigantous butt as in all my other ones! Something pretty regular, but still upbeat.
6. A Norman ST-40 guitar w. pick-up.. -but I guess that's as unrealistic as two return tickets to S'pore, Oz, Indo, Chicago or Kelowna, huh?
NEW: 7. An mp3 player with microphone! yeeeha! check it out at: http://www.tyvstop.dk/product_info.php/cPath/36/products_id/497
yup yup yup!

Now, get to it people! [muahaha]

John Donne - my man

I'm doing a big assignment which I'm also running behind on, but I must stop and record some of my initial wondernment! I'm writing about John Donne, a very religiously devout and widely recognized metaphysical master poet of the 17th century, and it is writ about him that he did not deny his youth as a "womanizer," however he saw his life as a whole and that, coupled with his interest for and understanding of psychology triggered lines that are so fitting and explaining of my life, my Most Holy, when he proclaimed to his (final) beloved:

"If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desir'd, and got, t'was but a dreame of thee."

...my goodness, I have seldom encountered such understanding of romantic unctions in an individual expressed so undescribeably elegant! And here I was, succumbing to the belief that it was 'only me.' Tsk tsk tsk...

bad medicine

I'm tasting my own medicine these days and it's wonderfully sobering! Being flirted with and still held at an arm's length.. [smile] I guess I've never tried being played before 'cos I've always done all the 'playing'. ....ever read "Forføreren" ("The Seducer") by Søren Kierkegaard?! I guess it's summed up in one sentence (somewhat): thrill of the chase. It's The Game and I've been an egocentric Lord in It for a long time now.

Here's to life!

re-targeting

This innate, continuing striving for Perfection, is it instinct? Why is it in me? Is it a product of my convictions? -my subconscious, perhaps.. Is it God-given?

Whatever the verdict it's there and and the graphics are so good, the edge of the e is razor sharp. I want, I want, I want.. what is it really that I want? I want to be a successful person, son, brother, friend, student and boy-friend.. How? Look at other people. Live for God, and live for them and then tend to yourself. It's basic, it's logical, but it's what makes a real man.

"Live your life so that others succeed."

how can I live without you?

I wish I was in love. I'm not. I doubt I ever will be again.. -can't imagine it!

Still.. I don't wanna be in love! I almost let someone have a go at persuading me but as aforementioned: I don't think I'll ever fall in love again! I don't trust 'being in love.' It's never resulted in anything good so I don't trust it.

I don't wanna be in love again. I don't want anyone to persuade me.. but please do!

...after a party at my school last night. I'm fixed up now though.

the sparse vibes

I have commenced my life as a munk which is why I have not posted here lately.

...well, not really a munk, but it certainly feels like it since I have drawn back somewhat from social activities in an attempt to gain a more rigourous spine, if ya know wot I meen..

to all the ones we've hurt along the way

this other blogger I know recently wrote in her blog:

...i wish people my age would open their eyes...
...and see how much pain they can cause...
...i wish people would do that in general...
...look at the sad world today...

My self-condemnation as of late's been mounting, so to those out there who identify with the above and who might even have been hurt by someone like me: I'm sorry.. We're sorry! We know we cause pain and we desperately regret it but it's hard to be perfect. People cling to us (not saying you do, but some do) and it's hard to facilitate so many people in our lives. It's hard to make everyone happy at once. So we do apologise to you all for the pain we cause.

I do desperately regret it and wish it all undone.

The world looks grim from my point of view right now.. God, I've stuffed up again. Can you save the day again? -cos it's gonna require your miracles again.

Paris - the city of romance? no!

FREAK!! I just wrote a looong post, but these dangin French computers are NOT FOR HUMANS! dah...

neways, I was going on (in good spirits) about how my friend, Filip, and I have hitch hiked to Paris.. -but as my mood is now raging in the gutter your gonna have to wait for it till I get back home.. But then there'll be pix on it too!

For now, I can only say that we're living at a camping ground outside of downtown Paris called, Boulogne, we're spending waaaay to much money and we're lonely. French are snobs, I reckon! But we made it from Randers, Dk, to downtown Paris in 18 hours which's gotta be some kind of record! -with a tourist bus! -FREE!

Most of our time we spend walking around this huge city commenting chicks we see and chicks we know back home! -what can I say?! It's a guy thing I guess.. *grin* Tonite we've got a double date with two Danish girls we met at the Museum de l'Horreur (although they call it a museum of war).. they're somewhere around 25 though! We're just psyched about going to town with ppl we can talk to though! We've arranged to go to a latin jazz club..

Another pastime's just trying to speak French but the French won't speak English and they won't speak to people who don't speak perfect French! gah..

We're counting on leaving for home on Thursday but it's looking to be a tough journey if we aren't lucky enuff to make it with truck driver.. but let's see! More with lots of pix when I get back..

"Joy to the world, the Lord is come..."

leaving for vacation

That's right, folks! I'm going hitch hiking around Europe again this year. It's with the same guy as last year and we're feeling quite well-prepared and ready. As some may know our goal last year was to reach France, but as we took a detour to Berlin where we stayed a couple of days we only made it to Luxembourg City - just 30 clicks away from the French border..

Our goal this year is: Italy! Tadaaa... Let's see how it goes.. posts and pix when I get home in a bit more than a week I should expect.

wish us luck..

how to live

It's 3am and I have school tomorrow so this is what's on my mind:

Two good goals to set for your life (which sum up the law and the prophets):

1. Invest yourself always in your relationship with God instead of striving to become a more moral human being.

(Unless you're a god, it won't work well enough..

plus it sux. Investing in a relationship is much

more fun/rewarding/worth your while. -believe

me, I've tried it both!)

2. Live your life so that others succed.

(I find that I exclaim to my friends more and

more in moments of great honesty that I'm

not succeeding as a person. My economy's at

an all-time low, I'm not doing too well in school

and my social life is devastating. My love for

God's definetely not an adventurous love story!

So instead of focusing on myself why don't I

try taking God's advice and focus on Him and

others? I know it'll work.. I've tried it for short

periods of time.)

a final goodbye to the teens

Yes people, it's my last day as a teenager and it's quite scary to be honest! The symbolic value of turning twenty is huge to me right now: scared, proud, expectant, regretful, glad and fragile. (I can't remember last time I felt small and fragile.....)

Tomorrow morning my family's coming at 7:15am to drink hot chocolate and eat a nice breakfast - like we've always done. [samhørighed] I don't really expect much from my birthday as it's never been a huge deal to us and as always, I know some of what my parents are getting me already.. I like predictability to an extent. It's secure, safe. hmm..

----------------

I've started to shun beauty: sunsets, forests and the like. It's because these beautiful scenes remind me that I'm part of a great love story, but I've felt it so many times and let myself down an equal number of times. One could say that I've broken my own heart by disappointing myself so now I flee the memory, the heartache. 'Cos that's what beauty 'provokes' in me: a heart-sigh to go with God's heart-sigh.

I have a constant nagging feeling of guilt because I ought to be much more than I am: I ought to be a 'safety' for those who are insecure, a father to those who need a father, one who saves the world around him - I ought to be a hero but I'm not.. it's tough being a guy.

I know, I know: there's no condemnation and in Christ I can do anything, and I do believe it. I do believe it..


I pass a landmark, I pass a checkpoint
confirming my stridings so far
It's a time to re-assess and re-address
to re-define and re-align
my life and direction
my purpose and intention
and gather my heart back up.
It's time to decide what a man
I will be for the rest of my time.

old hopeful things

I was at my parent's place the other day. Not too long ago they bought a house that's something like 130 years old. It's a small 2-storey house just across the street from another house we've lived in. Point is that my dad's fixing it up upstairs and he finds these old newspapers. The latest produce from the floorboard underworld is a rather intact local newspaper from May 31. 1931. It's funny to read the Hitler-neutral articles that stand in stark contrast to the history books we read.

Tonight I'm partly sad. Sad because my greatest fear is to be rejected and I feel mildly rejected. [sigh] I just take these things waaay to personal. Plus I long for more than is to be mine. 9th and 10th commandments, right? Vs. the Law of Love. I choose #2. I'm rambling. It's 1am and I slept 4 hours last night. I'm tired. Melancholic. But God's the same and that actually really helps. I've always had hope. Things will always look up again. It'll be alright some day if you have your heart set on it. Really.

"A right heart need not be discouraged for it can rest knowing that it's tragic end will be replaced by a beautiful morning. There's always another morning for a right heart. As long as there is time, there is hope."

My Upcoming B-day!! [yay]

Yup peoples! My 2oth birthday's coming up (30sep) so here's my wish list. Send all prezzies to:

Ivan Saaby Nielsen
Århusvej 24D st.th.
8900 Randers
Denmark

Wishes:
(New) King James Bible with a cover of naturally colored leather. Preferable no more that 20cm high or so.

Hugo Boss perfume - the round SILVER one (NOT the blue). As much as you can afford.

A nice shirt maybe some pants

Shinpads (really good ones) for soccer

Digital dictaphone with USB port and at least 128MB space

New Nokia mobile phone

New Acoustic Guitar: Norman ST-40 with Fishman pick-up, thank you very much!

I really gotta sleep..... more will probably follow. =)

loving

I'm good at people. -when I'm free, that is! I really, really do like people I meet but how does one contain such ardor? I express my appreciation of someone, that someone expects a new flaming relationship (romantic or not) which I cannot 'deliver'.

Now is that a problem with me or with the low love-standard of our society? Should people be more used to being told that they really are appreciated or should I just start being less caring? Cos people are getting hurt when they are let down. I hurt people all the time it seems and it's frustrating because I'm clinched between being myself and being cold.

[sigh]

spiritual revolutions

Who was it that said that throughout one's relationship with God one undergoes several spiritual revolutions? Some author, can't remember, but I do find it true. Less than a week ago I heard a good local preacher speak about... uhh... well, I guess he just spoke about a lot of the common misconceptions we have about what it means to [cliché:] 'walk with the Lord.'

One thing that was renewed to my understanding was the basic element of love in my perception of my Father in heaven. I recognise that the love in my heart to God has gone cold because my life has turned to be about pleasing myself. All this is really basic to all those of us who've grown up within church walls. To me it's a big issue though!

Just a couple of days I was sitting in my car with one of my two best friends talking about our friendship from every conceivable angle. Why, what and when it was: our friendship. Our motives etc. Whenever we talk we usually end up in a rather melancholic mood, but this time it was worse. When I think back over my life I am shocked to find out that I haven't really retained my friendship with any of my childhood friends. The main reason that we are still friends is because we attend the same church. The point is that I've always been a really lame friend. I.. I didn't really know what it was until it occured to me that day in the car: my life is about me. I have friends to keep my sanguine fear of rejection at bay (my biggest fear: rejection). I don't serve them. They serve me. I invest my time and energy in them for immediate emotional gain. I kid you not!

This, of course, is reflected in my relationship with God. I serve Him only for my own sake. No, I haven't crucified my flesh and taken up my cross. Aye, I just wanna be really good friends with the Spirit, because I recognise that He deserves it. -because I love Him.

Yet there is still hope:

"As long as there is time there is hope."

standard fill #1

My goodness, did I really leave for 10 days with such a violent post?! I'm still alive though.. -I wish I could say 'alive and well' but I'm not really well. Scraping by I must admit!

I have this thing about evolution nowadays though! Here's an excellent article entitled "Challenging Darwinian Fundamentalism - Intellectuals Who Find Darwinism Unconvincing"
Read it! I give the Theory of Evolution 10 years...

Homework.. essays.. music assignments.. life? hmm..

_ivan

Movie Truths

I've just watched a beautiful Danish movie. It's the second (or third - woteva) time I watch it and the point of it only just hit my daft analytical 'abilities' now! [smile] The title serves to enforce the blow of the point: "I Kina spiser de hunde" which translates into "They Eat Dogs in China."

It's a part of a 'recent' renaissance in the Danish film industry (besides Von Trier's stuff) - a renaissance that started off with the so-called 'dogme' genre which funded the small company's climb to excellent satire and ironic-comedic filmings.. wonderful really! But all this' beside the point.. The point is:

The movie's about this regular guy who works at a bank, lives with his girlfriend in his average apartment and plays squash for fun. One day a bank robber tries to rob his bank but he clubs the robber in the head with his colleague's squash racket. He comes home and his girlfriend split having cleaned out the apartment - apparently because he was too mediocre.. Just then the bank robbers girlfriend comes to his door yelling and hitting him because they bank money was for an artificial insemination that she should've had because the robber and her really want kids! He feels really bad and... to make a long movie short, he goes to his criminal brother and tells him that he wants to right his wrong. His bro helps him rob a bank and they go on a looong vendetta to right all their wrongs during which the brother starts killing people (out of necessity if you look at the task at hand) and the main character's shocked! After calling him a psycho, the (psycho) brother says to him that what he's doing's not wrong! -how can anything be wrong? You just find out what you're good at and call it 'right' and then whatever you suck at, you just label it 'wrong'. In that way you're always doing the right thing!

I know my portrayal of this masterpiece cannot convey all that there is to convey (read: it's shoddy!), but the point is clear and simple: today's common belief in darwinism has undermined all meaning and all moral. Why? [no answer] Why not then just kill the people who're in our way, take the money we want/need - MAKE OUR OWN TRUTH? [no answer] Why does the world not see that this FOOOOOLISH - and did I mention UNSUBSTANTIATED? - belief in so-called 'science' (read: blameshifting and RUNNING FROM FAULTS!) is undermining our entire society? The comfortable, vague and devastating 'truths' that people come up with frustrate me so much!! ARGH!!

What are people thinking when they ask me: "...does that mean, Ivan, that you actually believe that I'm going to Hell?" and I say: "Yes.." and then they go: "But that's so mean!" Deal with it people! There's a definite truth, there's nothing you can do to change that, so what're you gonna do about it? (and if you even think of starting on the 'holier-than-thou'-dung, I'll...)

welling and cisterns

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post, eh?! ("Let's go to Canada, it's great! It's a make-believe state..."=) I've gone back into my busy, busy routine which has taken it's toll on my level of communication online, a routine that keeps me busy every day of the week with only a couple of hours to spare and too little sleep. I'm busy playing worship in church and leading a kid's group for 6-10 year old boys. Taking them birdwatching, fishing, shooting and all that fun stuff... -I really like kids!

But with all that time in church I've been telling God that I've prioritised my time to do work that I've been called to do instead of having a part-time job on the side and so I'm telling Him to help me pay off my debts etc. Hasn't worked yet, but this far God really hasn't failed me once and besides He's probably trying to teach me a thing or two.. [grin]

Another resource that I'm dependent on God for is energy. I don't sleep too much and last year I almost quit everything 'cos I was worn out. I know that the same thing won't happen again if I "draw my strength from The Lord." The only problem is that the verb "to draw" is an active word. -I have to get up and do something aswell between God and I, I've always come out the weakest link. So: Ivan, get your strength from God this season, huh?!

Also worth mentioning is the fact that I'm full of love these days! I like people!!

the philosophy of the age

Following is an excerpt from my book on the history of Danish litterature [translated] about the romantic period that's largely a part of the 19th century:

"With the universal-romantic philosophy one tried to grasp the arrangement of life, in the same way the Christianity had. The romantics largely adopted Christianity's historical form: The world is created and in the childhood of mankind man was a whole being... Then came the Fall. Man became conscious of himself and was broken as the romantics termed it. The new thing was that they interpreted the Fall as a positive event! This was because history was started by the Fall and the aim of history is a new golden age at a higher level than the old. A golden age created by the human spirit itself that is even greater than the golden age in the Garden of Eden."

Now that sounds like one of the lies of someone I know: "You can be greater than God! You can create your own paradise, see you don't need God!" Lucifer himself was doomed because of that lie and he's pulling man into the pit with him!

Now, what're you gonna do about it?

my own flesh, blood and bones...

My little sister (12) is a genius! Give her 4½ minutes, and you have graphics for bags, pencil cases and all that kid's stuff that's sell worldwide... [whoa]
btw "hvor er mit solsikkefrø" means "where's my sunflower seed???" -how ingenius is that?!

In other news, I went to the swimming pool today and nearly broke my collar bone playing ruff with a load of other guys there.. The doc at the hospital afterwards said it was broken, 'cept when the x-ray was done it showed that it was just bent.. -really bent! How can a bone just bend like that?! It's like bent 20° plus I can't drive my new car for the next 3-4 days.. [sigh]

manic prayer of real reasoning

Sometimes I think I'm senile and other times I think I'm manic depressive.. -probably 'cos I haven't really been close to either disorder but I still do think I have the tendencies. (don't we all, come to think of it?)

I remember a year back and remember thinking: "will I ever grow up? will I ever learn self-control?" 'cos you know, I really do expect these things of myself! I've always had a firm belief in myself (or is it God in me?) although I must admit that sometimes this belief dwindles and - looking at the ppl around me - I'm discouraged because of their development (egocentric, I know..) and because of all the problems I've caused in the last year. I've made two old friends royally mad at me and seriously messed up two other people. -and my 'depressive tendency' (wouldn't call it a depression) is only amplified by those aforementioned odd movies..

"Dear God! I've proved to myself yet again that without You I can't function. Without You, my world falls apart. You're my hope, my peace and my love. Thanks for your forgiveness that causes you to not base Your view of me on my sins but rather on Your love for me.. Thank You for Your mercy that is above clichés, above the empty philosophy of the world and above all the grandiose lies of Satan - the freaking loser!

Keep me, o make me! Be my centre, my outer and all in between. Be my logic, be my reason. Yes, be my life 'cos You're the Answer to the cries of the hearts of all the people in this world who we think have it all together, all the people who carry themselves too well. God, they have sometimes fooled me with their self-deceit but I am fooled no more! You are the Answer and the only one in which we can place our confidence because Your Wisdom puts to shame all the self-crowned wisdom of man. Nuts! God, it really is true that to You, all men are merely like the grass of the field! -so tall, grandiose and all encompassing, to ourselves when in reality, we're as fragile, dependant and as simple as grass.

My worth as a human being, God, is derived from the value that You have placed on me. My influence on Your indescribable HEART - the ever beating HEART of the Maker - is way out of proportion; to my advantage! The words "humbled" and "thankful" do not convey even in part the Reality of my life!

So in spite of the stark contrast between the majesty and grandeur of our beings, God, You have made it possible for me to smile peacefully and truthfully and say something as simple as:

Goodnight God..."

pick your truth

As of late I've watched two movies that included the element of time travel: The Butterfly Effect and Donnie Darko and both movies preach (nope, not taking back that word) that the world is a better place without you. Both of the main characters are presented with the opportunity of changing the past and both of them end up going back and killing themselves. Now what kind of message is that?! Why, o why do people use their lives to spread that kind of message? -a message in direct contradiction with God who says in Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

1. God knew you, knew how you'd turn out and then chose to go ahead forming you, purposing you, choosing you! (the issue of abortion pops into my mind here..)

2. God formed you, YOUR LOOKS (yes, even your toes), your level of intelligence (roughly) and your talents (and lack of the same).

But now the choice is your's. Pick a truth to live after:

1. The world's a better place without you. Your life is only a source of pain to those close to you.
Effects of this option: hopelesness, apathy, self-loathing, hatred and spiritual sickness are some of the most common bi-products.
2. You've been purposed and there is a plan to your being. God loves you and intends for you to have a meaningful, exciting, honest and love-filled life and has also provided an ever open opportunity to enter into this life.
Effects of this option: hope, uncontrollable passion, healthy relations to God and those around you, maximum level of self-worth, absurd levels of joy, well-being, purpose, exciting spiritual events, spiritual battle and self-denial in areas involving your 'fleshly' desires are some of the most common bi-products.


Didn't mean to preach.. just couldn't help m'self. [smile]

"Joy to the world..."

being and doing in relations

I've never really been good at having friends and back when I had a girlfriend I wasn't good at 'having her' either. I have some basic problems relating to God as well and I've given these problems alot of thought individually but that the problem in these three relations is the same never occured to me before a couple of days ago. I'd ask myself whether it was just my personality? -the fact that I'm really sanguine and flighty, moving too fast from person to person to stop myself?

Well, no doubt that's a factor but the other day the main reason occured to me and again it traces back to my childhood. (Point for Freud!) My father's a practical kinda guy, the guy that fixes everything himself. He grew up on a farm with six siblings in an environment where relating to others was almost scoffed at. My older brother's pretty good at fixing stuff too and has always been carving stuff if he wasn't out working hard to make money. He's basically the one who's inherited alot of my father's traits while I got my mother's sanguinity and ease of relating. This made me think throughout my late childhood - early teens that my dad didn't really appreciate me so I would work at getting his attention and approval, trying to be practical, fixing stuff and so on.. Now what has this got to do with my relational problems to my friends and ex.?`

Thinking about it, I realised that I'd gotten used to thinking that I had to do/work/perform/be active to gain worth in the eyes of my (Heavenly) father. This also means that today I have a really hard time just being with others without doing. Constantly doing things attempting to strengthen the bond between me and my friends, me and my ex. and me and God.

So now I'm working on really understanding the basic fact that in God's eyes I'm worth the sacrifice of His Son whether I can pray for hours on end or not. Actually this is also the reason that I've never really 'been good at' having my quiet times. I've always thought that I had to say all the right things, work hard at the right heart attitude, quote the right scriptures to gain another emotional experience with God. When all this about just being together with God occured to me I had my first quiet time where I didn't say anything and just let myself rest with God.. [smile] Still a long way to go to implement it in the rest of my life though.

Okay, I don't even wanna read back over this post 'cos I'll make myself rewrite the whole thing.. hmpf!

free internet at a bar

I am at a bar in the northernmost city of Denmark, Skagen.. just saw this comp with free internet in the corner so I could not help myself. This Danish keypad does not have [the flying comma.. what is that called?]  so that is why my writing style is so different..
 
Neways, just wanted to say that the name of that last artist guy was Taitur, not Teitur. He does share the same worldviews, God-views etc. but his style is really nice. Now why does there not exist christian music that is really good? I mean really good! Switchfoot, Newsboys, O.C.Supertones, Jars of Clay and D.C. Talk are all okay, but none of them are really, really good.. That is why I do not listen to Christian music no more.. mostly neways.
 
Okay, gotta run ppls. Take care, and I just might keep posting regularly!
 
PS. For those of you who missed it, I am on this trip with my family including my younger sister who is 12 years old. We all went to a beautiful beach to watch the sunset this evening and I started talking with her about romance, specifically the Sacred Romance. I remember how my older sister would talk to me when I was about her age and it meant so much to me that most would not believe it. So I remind myself of how much it must mean to my younger sis that I spend time with her and share my heart, treating her like someone I trust, value and really care about. Anyways, I talked about how romance is not just a term that is to be used about the teenage "in-love" things but how it is also something that ties in closely with beauty (in this case the beauty of the sunset), and of how that beauty was all designed in the heart of God. "I got to a point where I realised that no matter how much I appreciated the beauty of a sunset, I could not capture the beauty and the specific feeling [the romancing of my heart] of the moment. That made me think that beauty is folly - a waste of time - until the day when I would get a girlfriend, because I thought to myself that I the perfect enjoyment of beauty would be realised when shared with someone that I was in romantic love affair with. That is true, but perfect love cannot exist with anyone else than God. So in that way God uses beauty to draw us to him..." I think she understood it quite well actually, and if she captures this at a young age she will have something good to build alot of years on. [smile]
 
Neways, my crew is leaving..

communication breakdown expected

I must say, ladies and gentlemen, I've just started investing my internet time in reading other ppl's blogs and it's really good! I'm the kind of person who's really big on communication so to have found this new method of communication is a wonderful, wonderful thing for me... [shine] Plus it's not the shoddy (mis)communication that many think! I really have good 'conversations'!

Bulletin: artist of the week: Teitur. It's worth checking out, folks!

Neways, I'm going on vacation with my family tomorrow (Tuesday) until Saturday and I doubt there'll be internet around. We're going to the highly acclaimed northernmost tip of Denmark ("Skagen"). Apparently 'the lighting' there should be magnificent (go figure!) so take care! I'll miss you... -how wacked that that wasn't even a lie! [sigh]

Meanwhile, the picture above is a picture of my apartment's face towards the main street for you to have fun with.

mediocre evangelism

Just read a girl from the State's blog and she was going on about how christians are lame compared to MTV, how we always manage to make productions that are... well, 'lame'! I replied:

"...just wanted to say that it was nicely said about being as agressive as MTV! I've thought about the very same thing and discussed it with numerous people (as late as this evening) being irritated that christian productions are always lame (yes, I'd be unashamed saying that) compared to secular productions. My reasoning is that it's because we as christians have become allergic to money. Yes, the camel and the needles eye etc. but without money, it's impossible to amaze people with show biz!! There are two roads to go:

1) 'Anti-money' mindset (give ALL finances far away from our own easily-corrupted hearts) = evangelism ministry being dependant on God's power alone! The show-biz element is purely miraculous healings, signs and wonders. Includes the complete discard of any attempts at competing with secular show-biz standards. First apostles' method.

2) 'Money=opportunities' mindset (let's have a healthy focus on money, because money gives us opportunities) = evangelism ministry being show-biz to attract the crowd -> the Spirit catching their hearts. The show-biz element is to attract people and to communicate the Message in a culturally relevant way. "...Jew to the Jew and Greek to the Greek." [Paul, the Apostle]

Either way must be whole-hearted because at the moment we're scared of having too much money 'cos "what'll people think if I arrive to church in a sweet BMW7?!" or "...my heart will be corrupted!" -the second of which is fair dinkum but the first of which... The only decent, new Christian movie is The Passion and that was freaking expensive. But it was freaking hot as well!

I choose option #2: "Money=opportunities". Let's get rich, people! "Love the Lord..." and let's produce something that'll show people that christians aren't half-hearted and REGRETTABLY GREY [feel it!] but let's be wild for once! Let's be the one's to attack Satan instead of fending off his attacks with conservative rituals!

As far as I see it, christianity has never been the safe choice. It's not supposed to be comfortable! The pleasures of the Lord are not for this life! Let's give it all we've got for a couple of decades and after that we can sit in comfy chairs, with comfy hearts, appeasing our emotions. Risk it all, friggit! Let's be zealous for our dearest like God is zealous for them!"

quiz

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

standards

[grin] just read somebody else's blog (yeah, I'm getting into this whole blog-universe!) and it was just freaking funny! Why? Because the swear words were used so eloquently!
 
I remember in my school where a good friend asked me: "Ivan, why is it that you don't swear? I mean, it's just so expressive. It really helps me say the things that I want..."
 
Good question right?! Why is it that I don't swear? Lord knows that I really, really want to [in my eternal quest to be funny].. But we're back to the rights for the 2nd time in my blogging history. The right to do what I want.
 
See, what would this world look like if we all did what we wanted? Let me tell you about the birds and the bees, the rapists and the murderers, the thieves and the 3rd world. "Ash, there you go again, Ivan! What you're talking about is way out of proportion, nobody's thinking of raping and murdering, stealing and with-holding. We're talking about swearing!" Yes, swearing and boundaries. Where does one draw the line for doing what oneself wants and denying the same?

"Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Hmm... Rephrase to: "Do not let my standards be conformed to the standards of this world in fact, forget about standards! Let yourself be transformed so your actions reflect a heart that's pure and good, your actions being pure and good, even "...above reproach..."."
 
Now to live out these grandiose thoughts of glory...

I just wanna feel...!

Pacified. I feel pacified. See, my summer holidays have been the most exciting, spiritually speaking and I know that it'll be tough to keep the spiritual focus in this physically minded world. So the deal is that I return from Hungary and a strange camp ready to 'throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and run the race marked out for me,' but what happens? Guess...
 
But why is it so freaking hard to change? Why must one wallow and wallow on without ever running? I realise more and more that I am a person who isn't very radical at all [read that without the usual christian-slang-bias].. I really do need provoking circumstances or at least 'exciting' [Hebrews 12:1] surroundings that spur me on. hmm.. Maybe I'll change in tact with time, with maturing. Hope so...
 
Neways, my parents just bought a new car! Citroen Xantia 1.6i. Quite the mediocre car measured with all others, but if you put it up against any other car we've ever had in the family it measures up with your average Learjet! It's our first ever car with power steering. It's spacious, comfortable and runs like the healthiest porcupine on this blue planet! ...and I got to borrow it for 2 days cos I'm heading south to visit another camp.. [grin] Dang, I love camps! But for the first time in a long time I'm a bit nervous, cos there'll be probably a thousand people where I only know 15-20 of them a bit. Don't even know if they'll wanna 'entertain me' and thus, 300DKK risk being wasted on gas. Oh what the heck, I know I'll have fun..
 
Adieu ma vie! Je veut faire beaucoup de bon chose, et tu le sais.. should've payed attention in French classes..
 
"...to the ends of the Earth..."

camp stranger

I'm on a camp - where I don't really know anybody.. but that's the beauty of it! It's good being here, people are really friendly and accepting. It's also fascinating to see how other people run camps for teens cos I'm involved in that as well.

argh, ppl are kicking me off the comp! dah! get off oready!

*10 seconds later*

right, managed to buy enuff time to go check my online dating profile for new letters.. =)

[sigh]

i wanna be famous 'cos I've got it into my head that I'll be happy when I'm famous. Really I just wanna be appreciated and someone's everyday hero... my goodness, I'm turning into a softy in my old age!

camp - again

right ppls, I'm off on another camp for a week. Dunno if there'll be a connection there but if not you can reach me on my mobilephone: +45 61659520 . [grin]

oh yeah, I'm playing at the annual summer camp for all pentecostal churches in Dk tonite... well, just for the 13-16 year olds in their 'café'. Wrote two songs for it aswell so I'm kinda tense about how it's gonna go down.

As well, does anyone have a... a... what's it called in english?! dah... uhh... like a mini tape recorder, hand-held to record [duh!]? Cos I'd like to buy it off you then.

Enjoy my new colors until I see you on the other side! =P

_ivan

"A moment of me" from the 19th Jan, '04

The bird's flight is crippled
by an involuntary plunge
towards the misty undergrowth
due to careless feather hygiene.
Upon seeing the darkness below
coupled with sensing
it's rapid descent,
panic clouds the mind
and despair blocks the airways.

Call it a light at the end
of the tunnel
or perhaps a spiritual
safety net.
Believe it, discuss it or
even discard it
but this innate belief in
the finality of
the victory of good
renders hope to the despairing
and rectification to
the downcast.

Do not be deceived
hope exists as long
as there is time.
Time to change
and time to be changed.
Time to start anew
and to start again

Time. Anytime.

-The Plaintive

Budapest - yup, I've just been to Hungary!

Home! Just stepped in the door and the first thing I did was to turn on the computer... *sigh* What does that mean? *smile*

I'm happy... -happy I went on this trip. Okay, from the top: I've been on a Jesus Revolution 12-day summer camp in Budapest, Hungary, with 30 other people from my youth group here in Dk. There were around 50 other participants (I think!) and I bought home 10 new t-shirts..

The camp was planned so that the first 5 days were training days with different work(/sweat)shops and I joined the one called 'band'. So we worked on three songs, 4 hours a day. One of these was one that I'd written which was cool, I reckon! =P The last seven days were so-called 'outreach days'. We took the stuff we'd learnt in the workshops and performed them on the street 4 times per day to tell people that God is a reality that needs to be dealt with.

How was it?

When I look back at my childhood, I remember that there were two occasions where I felt disrespected and stepped on by my older brother. I can't remember what it was about the first time, but the second time it was about a toothbrush (go figure..) In any case, he - by force - took something that belonged to me after I had refused to lend it to him. I never ever before or after remember having been so angry, I'm talking "hysteric-weeping-and-uncontrollable-shaking"-rage... Point is that when I was still shaking mad, I appealed to a higher authority - my dad - to seek justice. I mean, I was right! It was my possession (sp?) and even though I had a moral obligation to lend it to him, it was my judicial right to deny him access to it.
So I was shaking and crying, doing my best explaining of the awful atrocity commited against my youthful soul to my dad and here's the punch line:
He looks at me in that serious "*sigh*-son let me explain"-way and says: "Ivan, you have to be broken." I was dizzily confused for ten seconds cos, I mean, clearly my brother was wronging me so what kind of reply was that?! But the same brother (I only have one, but it just sounds cool: "...the same brother...") said something about doing the dishes when it wasn't his turn that applies beautifully: "Jesus died on a cross - I can do the dishes."

Yes, it's back to the rights, people! Jesus' rights were stepped on till he died so who am I to complain?

But the point of me saying this is that my trip to Budapest was very much about me saying: "Ivan, you will lay down your right to freedom to plan your own day and to do your own thing. You will choose to love the leader who's being waaaay to tight-arsed about this whole eleven o'clock bedtime thing! You will love him and think well of him."

But it was good. Oh my goodness, crazy blessing to learn to submit and lay down your own leadership urges [read: rebellion] for a while. Learning to love people you wouldn't normally love. [smile] I'm happy and proud that I managed to do it.

God's been crazy on this trip too... can't believe how ppl manage to live without a belief in His love because my life is just so much because of that very knowledge. -I am loved. I am perfectly accepted. It is done! It's hope and joy, peace and confidence. It's all that you need!

vacatioooon!!!

heck yeah, ppl's! i'm finally gonna have some down time. I'm going on a short term missionary trip to Hungary (Budapest) with 32 youngsters from my church (yeah, missionary trips are what I consider 'down time'!). I just started packing... no, that's a lie! I haven't started packing yet and it's 02.30am! We gotta assemble at 0745 hours.

But don't let this distract you!
PLEASE POST YOUR OPINION IN THE DEBATE ABOUT BUSH in the previous post ("war")! I'll check in from time to time depending on the frequency of my visits to an internet café.

Love and circumstance-despiting-joy!

war

You know how you can know things and at other times really realise the same fact in a way that engages your mind AND feelings?
Well I just had that experience when I happened to come by an American lady's website where she was freaking out because her husband's stationed out in Iraq. Her husband is at war! 'War' to me has always been something that happened 60 years ago (WW2) or something in some remote corner of our globe, but to this lady and many other people RIGHT HERE IN THE WEST 'war' is an issue that touches their daily lives! It might as well be my dad or brother that's fighting a rebel enemy because men in suits and big offices have prideful problems relating to other men in big suits. I never thought I'd become one to say it (never really 'cared' about war because it was so distant), but peace is in the best interest of your people, Bush and all other heads-of-state!

To stir up a discussion though, if you were chilling with George W. Bush Jr. in privacy and you asked him why he decided to go to war, would he say that it's for his people: "Striking the 'enemy' while they're still overseas and away from the women and children is a preventative action for the safety of the homeland and the peace therein. And yes, I do want the oil because America as we know it cannot function without oil."

I know this might provoke many, but I wanna get this sorted out in my head. I mean is it possible that Bush isn't as corrupt as the general opinion says he is? There should be a lot of angles and factors in this, but please, go ahead and convince me!

Debate in the comments section please!

recommendation

I was just reading back over my posts so far, and I just wanted to recommend this book I'm reading. It relates to the post entitled "men".. -well really, it's not one of those about relationships (although they aren't bad! (read "the five love languages" if you ever get the chance.. life changer, that'un!) but it's about life as a christian and how to cope with one's longing to be perfect. We aren't, we all know, but we're all striving to be (aren't we?) but how to? I know I've tried for years and years but I can't. The answer's in the Bible, but this book provides a great understanding.

I won't try to rehash what the book says cos I really cannot, but do yourself a favour (this would be the equivalent of doing yourself the favour of saving your own life) and read it if you're ever near it. If you have to buy it, buy it! If you finish it and deem it unworthy of your time, energy and money, I'll refund your spent money, okay?! It's: "Inside Out" by Dr. Larry Crab. I haven't found where to order it online yet but when I do I'll post the link for ya's..

"Love, love, love, love, love... love, makes the world go 'round."
-Powerpuff Girls

me v.1.2

I sat down at the computer and had something really deep and meaningful to write, but it got away.. now the comp's just serving as a procrastination device. I should prepare, prepare, write music but I'm just not in the mood!

Had the funnest walk with my older sis today.. in the heart of little ol' Denmark (yes, Randers IS the heart of Dk!) we were walking through the drizzle going off in loud, loud, loud singlish (singaporean english accent), discussing the meaning of life in a very unserious manner.

ALRIGHT, CONSCIENCE!!! I'LL GO DO WHAT I SHOULD, NOW GET OFF MY BACK! *sigh* I'm a haunted man...

men

What is it with us men? No, let me rephrase: What is it with us boys? I just received a letter from a girl who was desperate to know how we allow ourselves to view women like prey. How we can be so heartless to let our relations to women become a game; a competition. Cliché? Perhaps. True? YES!

We are in desperate need of men who will be examples! Men who will go before us in purity, confidence in God, men who will set a new standard in our relations to and views of women. Men of honour who will put us to shame in our unGodly ways! Men after the heart of God.

Will I resolve to be a man of honour? Dare I resolve to be a man of honour? You know, I resolve to become one. I don't trust myself to be able to change, but I do trust God in me...

"My God, I trust You and I believe in Your power. I believe that You are able to change me. You know I've tried to become a better man but I just can't do it! I've tried for years and years, but my strength is worn out. I depend on You as I long for the perfect."

credit

Okay, I guess I should acknowledge and kinda get my feet to the ground. =)

San, thanx for commenting! I fully know what you mean about "Love actually"! Fantastic film.. About the appreciation thing, I know.. I know.. without exposing other ppl on this blog, isn't this what 'being in love' is quite often about? I mean, if you wanna make someone like you what better way than to appreciate them in a way that is natural for them (their 'love language')? Don't we all pretty much want to be appreciated properly and have our good attributes recognized to the full and our bad ones accepted? Hmm.. I know it's what I want.

'Fan'. [smile] thanx.. -for recognising me.

Love,
_ivan

Your personal rights - my lesson to me

[ascends to broadcast depth] Hello, World! Tonight's moral lesson to myself is to be on the subject of rights. How often have we not thought and heard in christian contexts conversations, writings and prayers that give away the perspective of a natural inheritance of personal, spiritual non-spiritual rights.

This natural? -normal? Probably is, but does that excuse it? Absolutely not! "Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world..." Too often I live by the standards of the world and not the standards of holiness that are the least I could do.

"But I have the right to feel good, to smoke, to flirt, to drink, to pleasure and comfort! Surely a loving God wouldn't take that from me!"

Perspective, is my thought. Theoretically (and yes theory is okay 'cos God does follow His own rules), I forfeited my rights by not being holy. Harsh? Yes, but if God bent His own rules He wouldn't be just and if God ceased to be just, the entire basis of the world (right vs. wrong etc etc etc) would resign to complete and utter chaos. So don't appeal for ungodly mercy, Ivan. God is able to be merciful because of blood. Lots and lots of pain and blood. But back to the rights...

I forfeited my rights in that my being today is entirely dependent on His Mercy and how can a man who is justly living on someone else's mercy ever make demands about rights?! This is a great misunderstanding amongst the christians in the West today! We have accepted and conformed to a perspective of this world, forgetting who we are and taking the Eternal Grace and Mercy for granted. I must resolve to forgetting all I thought I knew about rights and shift to a perspective where I give thanks for everything.

Hmm... enuff for today heh?! =P You must understand that I treat this as my thought diary and that I - from this day on - will stop making excuses for that!

Feel free to respond (scold/slap/AFFIRM) to me either in "comments" or you could send me an e-mail.

Sickness in the world.. /throat/head/nose/spine.etc.

Sickness makes the world look different. I'm semi-sick and if anything can drag you down... argh! lack of energy! I just slept all morning after sleeping all night! -after sleeping all evening! Well, I was awake for 12 hours before that, but that shouldn't hurt should it now?! "Ladies and gentlemen..."

hehe... I like this blog-thing! Yet another 'audience' to which I can express all those loose thoughts. It's good for unloading/venting!

"Love - or not to be" as aforementioned, and o, does it ever ring true! Can one truly live if one does not truly love? Love is the flesh and skin on the bare skeleton, the colours in the cold sea and the taste in the food. Without it, the world and us would exist without all that there is to live for. Therefore, let us love and not hate, living for, because of and to love!

attention, worth and love

i've got a profile on an online dating-site. there, i said it! [smile] but what does that say about me? that i'm too desperate? is it a 'low' way of meeting ppl? well, i really don't think so. first of all: i'm not desperate. i broke up with my first real girlfriend just a month ago, mostly because i wasn't 'ready' to invest in a relationship. secondly: it really is just a way of meeting new ppl! -something i absolutely LOVE doing!

but in all this, a question's eating my toes. "what do I want from a girlfriend?" and i found out that i really just have a huge need for appreciation. i've had a couple of friends that've really, really listened when i've gone off on my try-hard-philosophical rantings and ravings. -and they've gotten to know me like none of my other friends. coincidencially, these particular friends have been girls, and i've ended up confiding alot to them. it's created a sort of intimacy! why? well, just because these are ppl that invest in me. they invest time and energy, listening and commenting wisely. this makes me open right up, cos i'm just waiting for ppl who'll listen, partly because i'm confidant that they recognize my philosophical ingenuity. [i do have my streaks - i think... hehe]

after a couple of middle stopping stations for the train of thought, i've concluded that appreciation - being an indirect love language - is a basic need for me. i need someone who'll take the time to listen to me express myself, and i'm confidant that others need this too, so i try to fulfill that need in others too.

oh my, why am I writing all this?! should erase it all, but now i've already written it so it'd be a waste... though it is a waste anyhow. [laughs at himself]

not hard to sense that it's late, huh?!

by the way (or not), I've decided to dare to dream! dare to hope! -for the vision that God has inspired for me. I wanna play music. Music = feelings. I'm passionate about making people experience with their entire being, and I wanna give people an opportunity to EXPERIENCE the love, acceptance, forgiveness and so much else that i've experienced. i just KNOW that it's right. that Jesus is right! it makes too much sense, plus my heart of hearts is convinced, trusting and hopeful.

for now: goodnight, people of the world! love is around you, just waiting. -hurting in the meantime...
---for thought---
"Love - or not to be." -F.K.Jensen alias "Hit_Filip"

tomb raider 2: the moral [!!!]

just finished watching tomb raider 2 and yes, I actually learned something from that movie! [funny, isn't it?!] men. we are weak, but we are meant to be strong. why are women always the strong ones? i'm serious! [not just sucking up.. hehe] we are usually the weak ones, but i want to be strong. i want to be a man of honour. hmm.. yeah, that's a nice thought... me - a man of honour. i'd like that..

identity anti-crisis : 2

[continuation] the morning after: rest. rest from the eternal quest for personal perfection. only in retrospect do I see the foolishness, for I cannot become perfect in my own strength because I ain't strong enough! so, "rest". to rest in the arms of the strongest. rest, knowing that I am accepted and that I don't have to do do do, merely be.

" The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever."

_psalm 23

identity anti-crisis

"blessings come from above." we've all heard it said and now I find that identity is a severe blessing. i like it. who am i? why am i who i am? the truth is that i've found that to find out who i am, i must find out who He is. for my identity is not determined as much by me as by Him. amazingly liberating! i am because He has made me to be. not because i've worked to become, but because He is...